Who's There?

I remember when my AP English teacher asked us that. It's the line that opens Hamlet and he had asked us to free write from it, from our perspective now and from the perspective of a person during that time period in which the play is set. I remember it so clearly because I remember writing something that ended up being a bit existential at the same time as being a lot philosophical. I'm playing it over and over in my mind but find that the answer has somehow changed without my realizing. Or maybe its because of my realizing that its changed. Most likely it is because I've changed. Two years older now from when I wrote that page in response to "Who's There?" My thoughts on life are a lot different, my spirituality is in flux, and my political beliefs are a little more cemented.
      I have conversations now about God and ask a lot of Why. Why must it be this way, Why do I do that or like this? I am at a stage where I am finding myself. its harder than I thought it would be. I almost feel like a thirty year old woman from those novels who goes and decides to change herself and in the end finds love and happiness and so on and so forth, rather than the nineteen year old college student who still lives at home that I am. I find that I have been defined by others for so long that I don't know how to define myself. And I know it all sounds just this side of depressing and a lot of self pity involved. Maybe, maybe not. Either way it is what it is.
           Like last semester, in my Human Sexuality class, we had panels. Three in total, each separated by gender and sexual orientation. We asked/ were asked questions, and we answered honestly or in some cases not so honestly. Of course we were given the option of passing on a question. And when some asked me (and another girl) why we were still virgins, I froze for a second. In that second it felt like hours. Why? I flashed back to all the quasi sexual encounters that i had had or thought about. I remembered the promise i made to myself freshman year that I would lose my virginity by age 17 because 'that seems like a good age to.' I remembered then that i couldn't wait for my 'Prince Charming' my 'White Knight' and everything else to sweep off my feet for that. I couldn't wait. And each time I thought I was ready for that I would freeze. Ice would grip my heart and my legs would close up tighter than Fort Knox. And at each time something would happen that would prevent it. He didn't have protection, I didn't have protection, we didn't love each other. But it would be fine and we'd move on, him to someone else and me to my books. By the time I turned that special 17 it hadn't happened and my world hadn't ended. Then I thought about maybe I should just wait for marriage and the thought didn't appeal. But I did decide to have a period of self imposed celibacy. No fumbles which a cute boy I wasn't really invested in for a relationship. I had decided to wait for my White Knight. This waiting thing is difficult. But I never told my class this, what I said was. "I'm not actively waiting for marriage. I'm going with the flow, if it happens great, awesome even. But if it doesn't for a while I'm not going to cry about it."  It isn't that much different, but it was still a mask, a lie. I was afraid to be honest even to this group of mostly strangers, maybe especially because of that. All I know now is that, I still haven't answered back, "I am here." Because I don't know yet.

Miss Austen I Hardly Knew Ye!

So normally when asked what i like to read i respond accordingly, "If its romantic, epic, and the occasional super/preternatural aspect to it and the text doesn't look like it was written for a fifth grade comprehension, then i more than likely love it."

When selecting a book of literary merit for my AP English Literature & Composistion class the pickings get a little slimmer and since i'm super clingy i'm in trouble. lol So from reading around i've discovered Charles Dickens bores me unless its some new christmas special on "A Christmas Carol", Dostoyevsky whats to say, you may be an amazing writer with an interesting backstory and you may appeal to almost everyone who reads your works, I'm not one of those people, F. Scott Fitzgerald........I like you, and the list goes on but in all my searching I have yet to pick up a book by the reknowned Jane Austen, I don't know what it is, i just never gravitated towards her work. So that in mind I never watched the films. Until last night, I watched The Jane Austen Book Club and so with that i went to my school library and picked up "Persuasion" and "Sense and Sensibility".

Turns out i love her so far, we just have to see where this goes........;]

15 minutes

So 15 minutes doesn't seem like a long period of time for a lot of people. But its long enough to make a sandwich, write down a couple of notes, make some jokes, etc. For others this amount of time has a much darker significance. Every 15 minutes of everyday a teenager dies in an accident that is the direct result of drugs/alcohol. Today at school we had an assembly and other demonstrations about it. Its sobering to think about really. When you talk to teenagers and they tell you all about the crazy stunts they do, it gives off the idea that we feel invincible. And for the most part we believe it too. So seeing and hearing about something so close to us brings in the reality that, we are vulnerable and and some of us , unfortunately, won't stand the test of time. Just reflecting back on everything just puts a lot of things into perspective for me. I mean i already understood what it means to lose and live a life but still........ idk its a lot to think about. I mean since we're on the topic of death, i remembered my first funeral it was my cousins' he died in a drunk driving accident. So this day is very important to me.

Star Trek Eve!!!!

TONIGHT is the eve of the most holy events!!!!! Tonight is the preview for the new Star Trek movie coming out tomorrow! And I, ladies and gentlemen, have tickets to go see it tonight at midnight! Insert victory cabbage patch dance here. lol I am sooooo0 excited for this. I mean this will be the first time that i will be able to go see a Star Trek movie in theaters in my lifetime. All the other movies ,of which i own them all, i saw on VHS. So this is a big deal for me. Then Angels & Demons is coming out like next week. Im excited for that too. I got kicked out of class for reading that. It was awesome.

Then on June 4 my very best friend Chris whom i haven't seen in over 2 years is coming back to california!!! In time for my graduation!!!!!!!!! I'm so happy!!!!!!!!!!!!! Insert another victory dance here!

Oh The Heat! *faints like Keira Knightly even tho i hate her*

UGH!!!!!!! As i said, Oh god this heat is unbearable! Grawr, if i wanted to be sweaty and uncomfortable i would have decide to lose my virginity! This is just not cool at all. No pun intended.... I mean really, I already have to deal with unbearably cold weather in the winter, i don't want to deal with insane heat in f*%$ing SPRING!!!!! Its SPRING for gods sake . Its supposed to be that wierd transitional period from winter to summer. The most heat its supposed to have is like 70 degrees not 95!!! Its supposed to have random showers! Helloo April showers, anyone??? ugh, argh!

Im tired of High school.......

As aforementioned i am tired of high school. I'm tired of the classes, the drama(most especially the drama), i am tired of homework. Ugh i can't barely get the strength to go to school anymore. I'm SO glad spring break starts next week. Anyway tomorrow morning i am donating blood. *does a dance* Free shirt and free food anyone? Not The point of doing it, but a nice perk. Ummmmm I have redicovered my hate for the human race. Buuuuuuut that's just a given. at least i know who i can trust really. I have nothing to talk about really. Hmm idk im just gonna bullshit. Who names things? like seriously how did we ,as a race, existence whatever, name things? When did we look up and say "i think I'll call that hmmm uhh SKY!, Yeah that what I'll call it"? When did that happen? My goodness thats an interesting cunundrum. And it irritates me when people call my name or something sounding like my name and i turn to answer and its for someone else. That happens to me ALL THE DAMN TIME! It gets annoying after a little while.

Long Weekend.....Sweetness

Omg today may be Thursday but i have no school tomorrow and so now i have a 3 day weekend. *Does happy dance* Now i can catch up on some much needed sleep. I'm so excited for Saturday, that's the opening night of the art show and my painting is in! *does another dance albeit a bit lazier cuz I'm tired* teehee. Oh man this has been a long shortened week, so much has gone on at the same time nothing. Ugh its so draining, AP Eng is killing me. I am suddenly feeling the weight of everything beginning to crash down on me. But that's OK, I can make it through this. Blargh..........that's the sound of me dying a slow death. Just kidding. But seriously, normally i just spout boring crap but now im gonna be silly. So today i reading through SN&R (sacramento news and reveiw) and came upon the personals. I swear it was sooooo hilarious reading them. I'm not knockin people who use them to meet people and form relationships with them, but people come up with the cheesiest crap in the world to attract people! I mean seriously, though can't you come up with anything better than "SWM bottom seeking expericenced top" God, its soo funny. I love it.